Diary of a first time cruiser

I love flying! I don’t mean like zip lining or jumping out of a plane but I love planes, well apart from the turkey one! I will explain one day I promise. The first flight I ever did was to Corfu with my mate when I was 21, we went into a little travel agent near where we worked and asked the fella to find us a holiday that wasn’t quite 18-30 but was a bit lively. In reality he sent us to a little seaside village with 3 hotels, a handful of restaurants and 1 ‘night club’ that closed at 1am! We made the most of it and had a decent time, but hey ho you live and learn!

Me and his nibs have travelled a fair bit, with and without the kids, definitely one of our favourite places was Cuba but since Thomas Cook went under it’s pretty much impossible to get there.

For the cruise we had to fly to Barbados, sadly I have never turned left on a plane, and have always dreamed of that luxury, if there was a pane of glass between us I would be the one with my nose pressed against it hoping to grab a peek.

I prefer long haul as you still get plane food in those foil trays that if you put it on a proper plate wouldn’t even cover half of it but seem to fill you up as if you have had a medieval banquet! Oh and the free drinks yeeeee haaaaa, bring on the gin and lemonade. There was one thing that flight taught us though and that is the days of window and middle seat are well and truly over, there was a couple who were sat on opposite sides of the aisle so they both could get up and walk around without annoying anyone, that is genius BUT, my husband is extremely sensitive to anyone getting a bit too close, and the way some of the air hostesses bomb down the aisle whacking knees and shoulders without a care in the world 2 aisle seats are a no go, so he stays in the middle seat next time while I will be in an aisle seat so me and my restless legs can wander freely(ish).

Your luggage is bonded when you cruise which means when you wave them off at the airport you don’t see them again until they are outside your cabin door, we got off the plane on the runway and straight onto busses to the ship, feeling like royalty as we avoided the lines to immigration, (well sort of) 🫤.

When we got to the shop we had to go through immigration, just our luck that the systems went down just as we got to the front, no matter, these things are sent to try us, and I did have a nice view in front of me in the line, I’ll say no more, but if you ever read this, you know who you are 😉.

As we were going to the US Virgin Islands we needed ESTA’s which was quite well documented when booking the cruise, yet there was quite a large line of passengers who didn’t have them and had to hurriedly apply before we sailed, sadly some of them didn’t manage to get them processed and had to join the ship a week later, anyway we got onboard and found out cabin, number 3000 nice and easy to remember. We chose a cabin with a window as opposed to an inside cabin but honestly it wasn’t needed as the window was that murky you couldn’t see out of it anyway. I would have liked a balcony as I like to wake up early and sit in the sun with a brew while he snores for a while longer, but I just couldn’t justify the extra expense, maybe one day!

When we unpacked our cases there was an overwhelming smell of coffee and thought we must be near the coffee bar but no! I had taken a pouch of coffee because I have to have my Kenco really rich, it had exploded all over the lovely clean clothes, inside shoes, and over everything else, what a mess! Anyway we shook out what we could and then had to tip the rest of it down the loo, little blobs of coffee were up the walls, on the floor, in the shower, EVERYWHERE! The morning after I left a note for the cleaners apologising along with 2 packs of fruitella as a sweetener. When I saw the poor girl a few days later she said at least your toilet smelled of coffee and not pee pee. Good job she had a sense of humour.

Setting sail for the first time is a bit weird, the gentle sway of the ship kind of made me feel like I had been out on the lash buy without the pleasure, the first night we had a meal, a few drinks and went to see a fabulous show, but after that I had to go and lie down because my head was swimming, the next day we were at sea which gave us a good chance to get acquainted with the ship, we sunbathed, then went inside to do a bit of synchronised snoring in a cabana, all the time feeling like I was a bit squiffy, another lovely meal, another fantastic show and another early night to get my head together! Anyway time to go and get the kids from school, I will try and update faster next time if I continue to get some interest! TTFN X

I did a bit of research before the cruise, asked the questions like will my fat backside fit in the shower or should I pack adult sized baby wipes, a…

What to pack for a cruise, and maybe what you shouldn’t

I did a bit of research before the cruise, asked the questions like will my fat backside fit in the shower or should I pack adult sized baby wipes, a king size can of fem fresh and 48 hour deodorant, being a larger lady these things need consideration! The reality was that the shower was plenty big enough and as the bathroom is basically a wet room if you leave the shower curtain open it won’t attack you when you’re least expecting it and try to crawl into places that no self respecting shower curtain should be! Leave the massive wipes at home but maybe stick with the fem fresh, and invest in one of them sponges on a long stick, they reach places and are surprisingly satisfying 😬🫢

Medication, as me and his nibs are not in our first flush of youth we have to be covered for all eventualities, so apart from the shipping order from the GP plus extras just in case the Turkey situation happened again! here are a few ideas.

Germolene, in a plastic tube these days. No longer Barbie pink and you can’t smell it from the length of a football pitch away anymore, nothing is the same these days. it seems to work as well though, and as I’m a bit like a weeble that doesn’t ping back up you never know when my poor knees will need it, and I don’t mean carpet burns you cheeky people.

Something to make you go, and something to stop you going if you catch my drift, you never know, and pretty much every holiday his nibs gets a touch of what he would probably describe as akin to dysentery, whereas my own bowels seize up and refuse to entertain any loo except my own for at least 3 or 4 days 😬😳💩 sorry if you’re eating 🥵

Plasters of various sizes and shapes, you can guarantee that if we don’t need them, somebody will.

Rehydration sachets just in case one of us (usually me) goes a bit crazy at the bar, they are an actual life saver, best taken as a shot as the flavours seem to be lemon or blackcurrant although both seem to taste more like battery acid 😳

Sudocrem ohhhhhh yes this stuff cures all, even if you do look a bit like you have been dipped in a bucket of white gloss, does that stuff ever rub in completely? It’s good for more than baby’s bums, it works on sunburn and rashes no matter where they may be!

Speaking of which, liquid talc oh yes this stuff is the nectar of the gods, slather the stuff on liberally in all your nooks and crannies every morning and you will stay rash free, no longer do you have to dust yourself down with a powder puff so that you emerge from the bathroom looking like the homepride man.

Haemorrhoid cream! Noooooo not just for the side effects of one of the bowel issues aforementioned but also for eye bags, believe me, as this stuff is intended to shrink the veins in a very sensitive area, why would it not shrink the obvious bags from burning the midnight oil? Just not too near the eyes because it stings! Yes I did 😖😖

Can we talk for a second about baby wipes? No I didn’t take them on the cruise because god forbid that one should accidentally end up in the loo and block the entire ship’s plumbing sending fountains of unmentionable waste spewing everywhere (I had quite a few pre cruise nightmares and that was one) but more specifically water wipes. I did on one occasion have to ‘borrow’ one from my granddaughters nappy bag when I had run out of loo roll, I don’t know what those things have on them but it WAS NOT water, it felt more like neat bleach and had me screaming like a banshee! Babies these days must be hardier than me😱😱

I shall leave you with these pearls of wisdom but may revisit this at some point TTFN x

Well I don’t know what I’m doing for goodness sake, I’m the biggest technophobe in the world but god loves a trier and I have been called trying on many an occasion so here goes, is there anybody out there?

We were thinking of going to Thailand, his nibs had always wanted to go but me being sceptical always imagined it to be full of ladyboys and loose women! But who am I to judge, anyway I digress, we didn’t go.

Next on the list was a cruise, but we’re not posh by any stretch of the imagination, and the idea of paying tip packages and drinks packages filled my husband with dread and anxiety and would not have made for a good time, he’s not a penny pincher, well not really! He once spent our last fiver on a new toy for the dog and a scratch card! Luckily the scratch card paid out £20.

Thanks to a nightmare of being stuck in Turkey for 3 days (a story for another day) we found ourselves with £1000 in holiday vouchers so we bit the bullet and booked a cruise to the Caribbean. Well if you’re going to do it, do it properly.

Barbados here we come ………

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